S2 | E12 Leah Selfe — The What If Loop That Keeps Women Stuck

The “what if” loop can keep you stuck longer than the actual problem.

“What if this fails?”
“What if I can’t do it?”
“What if everything falls apart?”

Leah Self knows that loop well.

After COVID shut down her career in travel and events, she took a scary leap and started again as a single mum. In this conversation, Leah chats with Lara about fear, business, becoming an empty nester earlier than expected, setting real boundaries, and learning how to get clear when life feels loud.

It’s honest, funny, and a little bit of a push to stop overthinking and start backing yourself again.

Get to know more about Leah:
https://www.instagram.com/the.productivityqueen/
https://www.theproductivityqueen.com.au/

If you have loved today’s episode, please share this with a friend. ❤️

About Lara Portelli:

As a successful business owner, NLP Practitioner, Midlife Reset Mentor, acclaimed award-winning author, and seasoned professional, Lara understands the challenges of navigating careers, business, and personal growth. She now channels her expertise into mentoring women through midlife and into their bodacious second act, helping ambitious women step into their power and build success on their own terms.

Connect with Lara:

https://www.laraportelli.com/
https://www.facebook.com/laraportelliglobal
https://www.instagram.com/lara_portelli_global/

Transcript

0:00

Welcome to Midlife Unplugged, the bucket year. I'm your host, Lara Portelli. This is the space where we strip away the polite BX, rip the gloves off and get real about what it means to thrive in our second act. Each week I'm joined by a guest who's walking their own fodacious midlife path. We're talking menopause, divorce, reinvention, and everything in between. Buckle up, because this isn't your mother's midlife crisis. This is Midlife Unplugged. Hi everybody and welcome back to Midlife Unplugged the Fucker Is. I'm your host, Lara Portelli, and I have the beautiful Leah self with me today. Hello, Leah. Hello. So it's made me really excited today. From Toowoomba, where it's uh nice and is it sunny up there today? Sunny today, which is nice. No fog, so nice to see. Cool. And I absolutely love Leah's life story so far, and she will um unpack that for you. And um, yeah, so Leah, I'm looking forward to um hearing all about your journey in life so far. And my first question for you, of course, is as it is for most people that come on this show, tell us about your fuck at moment and where it's got you in life so far. Gosh, there are so many fuck it moments to be honest. Like I could probably sit here and talk for about four hours on all the fuck it moments that I've had. Um, but I think my biggest fuck at moment was COVID, and I think that probably relates to so many people. I had been working in the industry, in the travel and the events industry for about 10 to 15 years, and it had been a really beautiful career. Um, and COVID completely cut that off and was like, that's just not gonna happen. And I decided in that moment that I was like, fuck it, I'm just gonna start a business. I'm gonna start a business and do something for myself. And it was probably the best thing I ever did, but it was also the fucking scariest thing I've ever done as well. Huge leap. Yes, huge leap, huge leap. And going into that unknown, especially as a single mum, um, and not having that stability of income initially really was like I think the biggest wake-up call that I needed as well, of like not needing to constantly trust what somebody else was going to be able to provide for me and just be able to do it myself. But um, yeah, it was it was fucking scary. And how did you find what how did you get through? Like you said, not being able to rely on someone else financially. How did you do it? Steady growth, I'm assuming. But yeah, I mean, it definitely is very scary. And I think when you have that level of unknown, you kind of go into a lot of what ifs, and those what ifs generally go down a really negative path. And that was something that happened to me initially. I was like, oh my god, what if I end up homeless? What if I end up not being able to provide for my son? Like, what if, what if, what if? And what I found myself doing, which I still do to this day, is if that what if still has a solution, then it's not a problem. So what if I end up homeless? Well, I'm not gonna end up homeless because I have amazing people in my in my family and in my friend group that would be like, bitch, come and sleep on our couch, or here's a spare bedroom. Do you know what I mean? So I was like, okay, well, I'm not really gonna end up homeless. What if I can't provide for my son? There are so many services out there that I could reach out to that would be able to help. And again, I have so many amazing family and friends that would be able to assist. So it was like breaking down every single one of those catastrophic what ifs to be like, it's gonna be okay. Like, even if shit hits the proverbial fucking fan, it's gonna be fine. Like, nobody's gonna die, everything's gonna be okay. And I think that's something that I like I said, I still do on a regular basis. And sometimes I have to like remind myself like, okay, yeah, that's a pretty shitty situation, but is there a solution to that? Can we come up with some sort of kind of solution so that doesn't happen? Um, so yeah, that's probably the biggest thing that I've had to really kind of work on. So for our people listening at home, did you hear that? What if, how many of us do that? We get in that loop, right? Mentally and emotionally. What if, what if, what if I want to do something, but what if? Did you hear what Leah said? If we can come up with a solution, and okay, death is probably one of the worst things that can happen. And Leah's just unraveled that for us. So if you're listening at hope, uh and it's five o'clock and it's wine time or whatever you might be doing, um how about that? Like, if you can come up with a solution to the what if, why don't we all try things a little bit more? Why do we get stuck in that loop and that, you know, I I I'm in a nine to five job that I absolutely hate, but you know what, I've got to pay the mortgage, or I've got three kids in, you know, whatever or they need foot net ball or whatever it might be. And where I'm going with this, it's no judgment at all that that's what you're doing. It is that we do get stuck in a in a cycle. And uh sometimes it's just how we've, you know, I know for myself, you grow up, you finish school, and you work two jobs. One was to save for a house and the other, you know, and yeah, all we're doing is paying another lot of tax. So as Leah was saying, if the if you think this what if was going to happen and you put put a solution with it, wow. Yeah. Because most things do have a solution, you're right. 100%. And I think once you figure out that, like even if it's not the perfect solution, because let's be honest, the perfect solution doesn't always exist. And I think anybody who thinks that is full of shit. But if you know that there's some sort of solution to your what if problem, then your your whole body instantly just goes, okay, I can breathe now and I can figure out what the next step is. Because until you do that, you're just so stuck in your head and in yourself around what am I gonna do? How am I gonna make it work? What like you start going to what are all the logistics, how, when, what, where, why, all those bits and pieces. And you get so caught up in that that you don't actually get a chance to just see what the fuck is gonna happen. And I think that's really important for people to understand that when you start getting into that loop, you then start losing sight of what you were were originally trying to do anyway. Um, so I think that's really important. Absolutely. And I want to talk about the business because I've been doing a bit of snooping around in your on your websites and your socials. I don't love and the bright colours and everything. But before I do that, I want to touch um base on something else that was really important to you before we go into the business and the name and all of the because I love it. Um, quite early. Yes. And that was another big moment in your life. Tell us about that. And I think that was another fucking moment where I realized that I'd spent so much time and effort putting so much time and effort into other people, and that was my son. So I am not even 40, and I found myself as an empty nester. So I only have my son at home who's 16, 17, um like four or five days a month. That's it. And I think having been a single mum since he was like one, two, um, that's a huge adjustment for myself, and it's a huge, huge adjustment for us. But it was another fuck it moment where I was like, fuck it. I now get to do stuff for myself. I now get to go and sign up for things that I wouldn't have signed up to before, or I get to invest in things that I wouldn't have done before because I've now got the time and the space to do it. Um, it's been scary. I think anybody who runs a business knows that when you run a business, you have this whole self-help journey that comes along with it, right? Like you learn more about yourself than you do about anything else. And I think becoming an empty nestar after identifying myself as a mum for such a long time. I mean, I'm still a mum, he's still there, he hasn't gone anywhere. But I think because I don't feel like I'm in that full-time mum role, it really has made me question a lot of the things about who I am, what I love, what I enjoy doing. And that entire journey has been completely eye-opening. So if I'm understanding that correctly, there it's a little bit too of re-identifying who you are as a as a woman, as a person, because for all intents and purposes, the best part of 16 years-ish, if or take a year or here there, was um you are someone's, you know, and you were as you say, you're still their mom. But that was your primary role. And you gave so much, and now you're saying, I notice you talk about you now have the space, whether that be mentally, emotionally, financially, to go and sign up for the things that you want to do. Like I think you mentioned parties and um things like that. So um emptiness doesn't always have to be negative, you know. I think it's a rebirthing of some of another phase of life. 100%. I agree with you. And I think like a lot of people, generally speaking, don't become empty nesters until um, you know, they're maybe in their late 50s or early 60s. And and I feel like for them, it might actually be a lot harder for them to reinvent themselves. I think I'm quite lucky in the fact that because I am an empty nester so early in my years, even though I feel like I'm 60. Um I feel like I'm because I was still kind of in that phase of learning who I was anyway, and kind of getting to figure out parts of me. It's kind of just like exploded that journey. So yeah, you're right. Like some of the things I've been able to like sign up to Pilates and go to the gym and you know, hang out with girlfriends more often, and even just have space in my own home. Like I'm now learning to put things in my home and do things with my home that feel just a little bit more like me. Not that my son ever said I couldn't, but I always made my house seem very kid friendly to a certain extent because like I was a mum. So I had kid things around all the time. Whereas now I feel like I get to make certain spaces a little bit more about me, which is really nice. Yeah. And I guess that when the time you spend together with your son, whether that's that four or five times a month, as you say, um, precious. And yeah, you know, uh, you get to see him and you know, hang out and do mum-sun things, and um, and now you're in a different chapter of your life where um, you know, you're getting on with it and doing other things. And the other thing I like that you touch on that we've been talking about through our communication, Leah, is that you're quite strong on your boundaries about Fridays. Yes. Uh so but I want to jump into your business side of life now. And I know you're quite strong about your Fridays because I think I messaged you one day and it made me giggle for the people listening. So I messaged you about something while we were teeing up our call for today. And it was, I don't know, I got an auto reply saying something about I don't know where I am today, but I think I'm off doing something the fuck I want to do. Yeah. Because that's what I try to do. I try to keep Fridays now as well for either a bit of education or getting some appointments in. Uh it doesn't always work perfectly, but I'm trying to make it work. Oh, but honestly, it just made me giggle. And can you talk to our audience a little bit about how you set that up, that boundary, how it's working? And um, yeah, then I want to jump into the other side of your business. Yeah, definitely. Um, it was something that I'd actually always had implemented in my business from the beginning. So originally I had Wednesdays off. So I would work two days, have a day off, and then work another two days. Um, because I've my theory was I'm coming from the corporate world where I work five days a week. The whole point of this is so that I can have more freedom. If I don't set that boundary in now, it's never gonna fucking happen. Like I'll just end up working five days, six days, seven days. I mean, as a business owner, sometimes I don't even know what day it is because I've been working for God knows how many hours, right? But I make it very abundantly clear in all of my communication to clients, whether they're my current ones or new ones coming on. Like, you can message me on a Friday, you can send me an email, but be fucked, I'm gonna respond. Like, that's my day. And at the end of the day, if it's an emergency, well, you should have got your shit together beforehand and we could have figured out a problem. So um, having the Fridays off is a nice little way to kind of end the week and kind of like wrap up and yeah, do the things that I want to do, whether it's appointments or working on my own business or you know, just laying on the couch and watching Netflix for seven hours. Like, I really don't care as long as I'm doing whatever the fuck I want to do. Um, and that's yeah, like I said, it's something that I've always implemented from the beginning, but I have spoken to people who don't have that implemented from the beginning. And I get them to just start start small, like start with saying, okay, well, I'm one day a week, I'm gonna not look look at my computer until 10 o'clock in the morning, and then I'm gonna clock off at like three. And then you like you just get it shorter and shorter and shorter. So it's like you don't have to go from one extreme to the next. But I think it's important that if you don't start putting in those boundaries for your own time and protecting the shit that you want to do, you it's just not gonna get done. I love that. I love that. And um protecting your own space, protecting your own space. I think that's really important. So let's jump into the productivity queen. Tell us a little bit about that. Definitely. So the productivity queen has been around for a little bit now, I'd say five years. Um, and essentially, to put it bluntly, I get paid to tell women to get shit done. Right. I do that in I know, I love it. I love it. I do it in various different ways. Um, whether that's working within a business, uh, with a business owner and helping them on business management, or whether it's literally just keeping people accountable and holding them to the shit that they said they were gonna do. Um, but I think it's really important that as especially as mums and mums in business, we have so much other shit that we have to deal with. We have so many other to-do lists and so many other things that we want to work on that a lot of the stuff that we either want to work on for our business or for ourselves generally gets pushed to the side. So that's where I kind of come in and I'm like, no, it's a fucking priority. Like feeding your kids is just as important as you go to a fucking Pilates session at 10 o'clock in the morning. Like, I'm sorry, but it's the same importance. Your kids aren't gonna die if they don't get their food on time. You, however, may have a mental breakdown if you don't go and spend 45 minutes to an hour with yourself to get your shit together. So um, yeah, I really enjoy essentially yelling at women to get shit done. It works. Do they respond? They definitely respond. Sometimes it's not always nice. Sometimes they're like, well, you know, stop telling me what to do. And I'm like, well, that's what you're fucking paying me for. So if you don't like it, you're more than welcome to leave. Um, some of them don't like getting called out on the like the excuses that we make for ourselves, and that's my job is to go, no, it's just another excuse. It's just another barrier you're putting in between yourself and the thing you want to get done. Um, and some women are like, oh my god, thank you for just validating that this is a decision that I'm okay to make and that I can just do it and I don't have to like seek permission, essentially. Like some people just come to me and they're like, I just feel like I need you to tell me that it's okay that I get to just do this. And I'm like, Oh fuck yeah, I'm happy to tell you. Does it make you happy? Cool, yeah, let's fucking do it. So it it I get very varied responses. Yeah. And I guess you have to at some point go, well, you've got to take the feelings out of it, and there can't be any hurt feelings because hey, they hired you to 100%. I'm sure they're setting goals or something they're working to, and if that's your job to help them do it. Exactly. And I think that's where I come in and I am kind of above that emotional level, especially when it comes to like if they're trying to make business decisions or personal decisions, like I don't have the same emotional attachment to that as the person that I'm working with does. And because I don't have that same emotional attachment, I can be a little bit more brutal, I can be a little bit more upfront, and I can tell them what I think in a way that's going to be beneficial for them. I'm never going to sit here and tell someone, don't do that just because I don't think it's the right thing to do. But I definitely feel like because I'm more removed from their situation, it's easier for me to give them that kind of matter-of-fact yes or no situation. And tell us, Leah, how a woman would, like for our audience, if they were wanting to seek someone out like yourself, the productivity queen, and get their ass kicked and make their, you know, achieve their goals and things like that. Where would they find like how does that work? Did it what is the I know that your business is called Productivity Queen, but what is your actual role? Is it a life? Does that come under the life coaching banner? Does it come under? I would probably say it would probably come under more of like a productivity mentor or productivity coach. So women who are just honestly just trying to become more productive is generally what um I get a lot of. Like I just a lot of the stuff that comes out of the mouth of babes, so to speak, when I'm speaking with like prospective clients, is like I just feel like I'm not getting enough done, or my to-do list is always growing and I never feel like I'm getting anywhere, or you know, and what seems like a priority now, like I say I'm gonna do it, and it just ends up on the to-do list for like the next 25 days or whatever. So it's generally that like I need someone to hold me accountable and I need someone to show me how I can be more productive. Um, and the way that I do it is I don't just get like a stock standard copy of 10 things of how to be productive. A lot of people do tend to use the same like productivity styles, tips, and tricks. But I generally like I just want to have a conversation. Like, what is going to fuel you to give you that motivation to get the shit done? If I tell you to go and put a reward chart on your fridge and use gold stickers, and you're like, that's the worst thing that you could ever possibly like offer to me, then that's not gonna work. So it's like really having that conversation around what fuels you, what motivates you, what's gonna allow you to go, fuck yeah, I did that thing and now I get to celebrate it and I can move on to the next. Yeah, I love that. Did everyone hear that? Yay, so it's what fuels you like. I'm a bit of a perfume holic. Like if I achieve a goal and buying a gun out to buy a bottle of perfume. Yeah, I'm a bit of an everything, shoes, handbag, jewelry, whatever it is that week, yeah. Yeah, so you're right. So, you know, I'm not gonna put the sticker on the fridge on the that's just gonna piss me off and go, well, yeah, whatever. And everything lights up people differently, right? Yeah, absolutely. So the other thing that I noticed too is the power of post-it notes. I had a little bit of sticky around on a few things. Can you help us unpack about the power of post-it notes? What's that? What's that about? I love I love this concept. Um, and I actually saw another um business owner, I wouldn't want to call them an influencer, um, Amy Porterfield, who actually I saw her do this and I was like, my God, this is amazing. And I now use it as like often as I can. Um, sorry, my puppy is being very bitey. Um so basically the the power of post-it notes is I'm a very much a visual person, and I feel like a lot of us are in our own kind of unique ways. And when I get so caught up in my head that I just go round and round in circles, I need to get it out. And I normally write it down on a piece of paper, but sometimes when it's kind of just like all over the fucking shop. Um, and this actually happened when I started my started figuring out what I wanted to do as a business in the beginning. I wrote down everything on post-it notes that I loved doing, that I hated doing, that I wanted to figure out more of, um, that I was interested in doing, like clients that I wanted to work with, all that kind of stuff. And I wrote it all down on post-it notes and I stuck it up on the wall. There was no organization to it, none whatsoever. Because if I started to overthink and try to categorize straight away, I knew I just wasn't gonna get anywhere. So I put it all down on post-it notes, I shoved them up on the wall, and then I just kind of left it there for 24 hours because I was like, I just want to see if anything kind of jumps out to me or if anything's gonna stick, and then I can kind of go from there. Um, and then after 24 hours, I came back and I just kind of moved things around and categorized bits and pieces, um, took down things, added things, and it was a really beautiful way to visualize the whirlwind of shit that was going on in my head without just making another list, right? Because we have another. Until the cows come home. Like I wanted to do something different that was actually like, and every time I walk past it in that 24 hours, I was like, yeah, I really like that idea. Or yeah, nah, I've had to think about it and I don't think I really want to do that. So I love post-it notes, and I think the power of post-it notes, not just from like a an accountability, I need to make sure I do this or you know, post that or do whatever. Um, but I do believe that visually it's great to just get those things out of your head onto a wall and take the time to look at it and study it and go, is this something that I want to do? Am I going in the right direction? Is this something that I still love doing? Um, I think is a really great idea. I love it. And they're colourful. So I like colour. Yes. Yeah, so I can either blue's that or pink's that, or if I categorize personal in blue or um green, whatever, you know. So I love that. And the other thing, um, Leah, I really loved and resonated with me is if one person, just one more person, I dare you, tells me to just do it. Can you tell us a bit about that? I love that. That resonated so much. Um, I think when it comes to someone saying, I dare you, like I dare you to do this, I dare you to do that, I dare you to do this. It can be it can be for a number of things, right? But I think it comes down to that person is not only saying I dare you, but they're also saying, I actually think you can do it. I actually think you have the power to give it a fucking crack. And I think when you don't give yourself enough credit, I think it's important to have those people that are like, well, I dare you to go and do that. Fuck it. Yeah, I'm gonna go and do it. I'm just gonna do it. I'm gonna do it and I'm gonna give it a go and I'm gonna give it my best crack. And I think I think that's a great way of looking at it. Yeah, and you also talk about anxiety with that. Yeah. I think when it comes down to the anxiety that I feel around certain things and around certain outcomes and around my ability to understand, is it gonna work, is it not gonna work, those kinds of things. I think you just have to go, I'm just gonna do it. I'm just gonna do it. And I think having that concept in your head of like, yeah, no, I dare you, I dare you, just go and do it. And then if you have one person or a couple of people kind of validate that for you, um, yeah, you just kind of just throw it all in and give it a go. So it sounds, um, Leah, that you have quite a powerful network around you as well. And that's something that I've intentionally built as well. It's not something that um has come easily, like it's definitely not been super difficult, but I tried to put myself in certain situations and certain rooms. I probably don't do this enough anymore. Um, but I feel like I've I do. I've got a nice support group around me that aren't yes people either. Like they're not just gonna tell me what I need to hear. And I think because I give that to other women, it's nice to have people like that in my corner. Um, you know, so whether it's a business decision or whether it's a personal decision or whether I'm just having a bit of a moment, like these people in my life generally are able to give it to me straight and just tell me what it is that is actually factual, especially sometimes when you know we get in our head. I agree. I think you know, we get up in our head and it's not always the best place to be. You know, it gets noisy and walk us up there, and yeah, we sometimes we spend more than hours up there, and then we start as we talk about that loop, that unhealthy loop that just goes around and around and around, and then we we lead on from that conversation to something else, and then um yeah, and and that can be really true for women that are home all day. Um, you know, it that might be thinking like you and I have been that they want to start a business, and you talked about earlier, you know, the um the what ifs, and they may be even talking themselves out of doing something that might end up being a great business, you know. Yeah, um, because we listen too much to that that loop in our head. So um, yeah, so again, it's that I mean it we all do it, it's there. That's what that voice in our head is. I guess it's like to control it. Um and as you talked about earlier, have boundaries. What's puppy's name? He's he or she's just really Kevin Yes, Kevin. Hello, Kevin. This is my five-month-old mini dash hound. Is he busy? He looks busy. Yes, his brother is asleep. I have a three-year-old, three and a half-year-old dash hound as well. And he's just napping over there and clearly doesn't want to play with Kevin. So Kevin's like, Mom, what are we doing? Let's get into it. So trust me. Yeah. Even though I'm an empty, even though I'm an empty nester, I still have two two dogs that keep me very much on my toes. So I love the name Kevin. So Aussie. I love it. That's been amazing. I just love how war and real and fucking just in there you were. I just love it. Give it to give it to you straight, man. I love it. So as we uh finish up today, any parting words for our audience? I think if you're stuck in that loop, because it happens. I'm not going to sit here and say you're going to get to a point in your life or in business where that loop will never happen. It happens. Um, if you're getting stuck in that loop and those what-if questions are coming, and then anxiety pops up, and you start going into the logistics of everything, the what, the how, the why, the all those bits and pieces, I think it's really important to come back and just get really clear on what it is you actually want. Like clarity is the biggest driving tool to a lot of the stuff that I teach and educate the people in my vicinity on. It's like if you're not clear on what you want, all the other noise is going to make it abundantly clear of why it's not going to work. It's going to pull you in so many different directions. So when those loops start happening, get clear on what you want. Can you see it? Can you taste it? Can you visualize it? Like, write it down again. Get really clear on what it is that you want because then those other loops and that noise tends to kind of fade away because you're like, no, I know what I need to do. I know, I know that these are the steps that I need to take. I may not know what the result or the end thing is going to be, but I know what I need to do. And I think that makes it really important. So clarity, get clear, and it just helps get rid of that noise. It helps you get out of that endless loop. So, as you're saying, if you're not clear on what you want, that chatter in your mind will get clear for you and it won't go in the direction you want it to. No, definitely won't. Just create more chaos. Love it. All right. Thank you, thank you. And all her details will be in her episode and whatever she may be having going on at that time. Uh, and you can find all her. I just love her socials. They're so bright and happy. And yeah, I got really excited when I jumped on there. Thank you so much. Yep, so thank you. Thank you for joining us, Leah and Kevin and Kevin's brother. And he's asleep. I love him. Lucky him at two o'clock. Um so thank you. Thank you, Leah. And thank you everyone for joining us again on another episode of Midlife Unplugged the Fuck It Years. I'm your host, Lara Portelli, and I'll be back on again very soon with another wonderful guest from somewhere around the world. Take care for now. Bye. That's a wrap on this episode of Midlife Unplugged the Fuck It Years. If today's conversation is something up in here, subscribe, share it with your midlife crew, and keep the conversation going. I'm Laura Portelli. See you next week for another raw, real and unapologetic chat.