S2 | E5 Lilli Bewley — Healing the Root: why your outer world is a mirror

You’ve built the life you thought you wanted… so why do you still feel drained?

Lilli Bewley talks about the hidden burnout so many women carry — doing it all on the outside, but feeling empty on the inside.

Lilli opens up about her breaking point and how she shifted from survival mode to real healing. They dive into childhood patterns, self-abandonment, boundaries, and what it actually means to feel “enough.”

Get to know more about Lilli: https://www.lillibewley.com/
Take the Feminine Dating Archetype quiz: https://www.lillibewley.com/quiz

If you have loved today’s episode, please share this with a friend. ❤️

About Lara Portelli:

As a successful business owner, NLP Practitioner, Midlife Reset Mentor, acclaimed award-winning author, and seasoned professional, Lara understands the challenges of navigating careers, business, and personal growth. She now channels her expertise into mentoring women through midlife and into their bodacious second act, helping ambitious women step into their power and build success on their own terms.

Connect with Lara: https://www.laraportelli.com/

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Welcome to Midlife Unplugged at Bucket E. I'm your host, Laura Portelli. This is the study where we skip away like Big S. Rip the gloves off and get real about what it means to drive in our second act. Each week I'm going by fair to walk in their own a dangerous midlife path. We're talking menopause, divorce, reinvention, and everything in between. Buckle up, because this isn't your mother's midlife crisis. This is midlife unplugged. Hello everybody and welcome back to another episode of Midlife Unplugged the Fuck It Is. I'm your host, Lara Portelli, and today I have with me the lovely Lily Bewley, all the way from was it Phoenix, Arizona? Sorry. Phoenix, Arizona. Phoenix, Arizona. I'm a little bit confused because our last guest we talked from Sedona, we were talking about Sedona, Arizona. So I had that in my mind for a second. So welcome, Lily. Welcome to the show.

SPEAKER_01 0:59

Thank you, Laura. I'm so excited. I love we were talking before we get came on here, and I love conversations, especially deep conversations. So we'll see where this goes.

SPEAKER_00 1:08

Yeah. So Lily, as you know, the Midlife Unplugged is uh about women that have experienced a lot of life, got to a certain point in life, and many of us now are saying, you know, fuck it, I'm done. I'm done with people pleasing, I'm done with the what I was meant to do. And I I loved how you talk about you had everything. What really stands out for me with you, Lily, is that you said you had everything that looked great on paper, but not you didn't feel great. You didn't feel great in yourself. Can you talk to us a little bit about that? I want to see where this conversation goes because I love that comment that it looked great on paper. But when it doesn't translate and we pretend, it's very energy sapping, right? But I don't want to take what you're gonna say away. So tell us a little bit about that. Tell the audience about that for the woman at home doing the dishes with the kids screaming in the background at the moment. Talk to her. Tell us tell us where you got with that and where you are today, please.

SPEAKER_01 2:07

Yeah, I actually think it's an epidemic, to be honest, Laura. I think it's an epidemic where not just women, but a lot of women and men, I think, um, because of the inner workings inside of them, because of what they told, what they were told, what they were raised, what they saw as a like an example, childhood example of what it means to be worthy, what it means to be enough, what it means to feel happy or be happy. Um we've all been told that it's actually only outside of us. Like it's what we do, it's what we achieve, it's the money that we make, it's even the body that we have, it's it's the accolades, it's the resume, it's the straight A's, it's the you know, all a lot of things that are really outside of us. And I think a lot of women, actually, I know a lot of women because I work with these women. I am this woman, and I work with these women, these women that have done so much in their life and are really, really good at doing, really good at achieving, really good at whatever that they set their mind to, they will get, they will achieve, they, you know, all of the things. The thing that I think is an epidemic is that what we are really seeking, if we look really, really, really, really, really, really deep inside of ourselves, what we are seeking is a feeling of being enough, a feeling of worthiness, a feeling of, man, I would love to be loved for who I am at my core and not what I do. And that is the disconnect that I felt. The disconnect was I had everything on paper, paper, literally, resume, money, um, car, house, all of the things. And then why was I unhappy? Why was I spiritually, mentally, physically, emotionally dead, literally in my life? And that was kind of that was where that was my kind of breaking point when I got into this this work many, many, many years ago. Um, and kind of what led me to the place of where I am now, which is helping women with themselves and also calling in um a love, a true love, epic love relationship. But it really is about the inner work of if we continue to seek outside of ourselves for a sense of worthiness, a sense of happiness, a sense of um of of being enoughness, then we will always be seeking. We will always be doing, we will always be finding. And I think, like I said, I think it's an epidemic where women are just tired of why do I got why do I always have to be the strong one? Why am I always the one that has to get things done? Why am I always the one having to be manager of the universe and manager of everything else? And it's a lot about healing those subconscious and unconscious patterns about what it means that you're doing all of these things. Like that. Like that.

SPEAKER_00 5:22

What was the actual moment for you, Lily? Where were you? I I can look I know my moment. It was four years ago in January. Can you remember the moment?

SPEAKER_01 5:30

Oh, yeah. I definitely remember the moment.

SPEAKER_00 5:33

It was most people, like you're saying, not just women, men as well. I think most of us could remember the moment. There was no big announcement for me or anything. It was just I knew I was done.

SPEAKER_01 5:43

Yeah, yeah. Um, it was way before my I'm I'm close to midlife. I'm getting there, but I do work with a lot of women who are midlife and past midlife. And, you know, my moment was um just, you know, again, like it just did not make sense. I was supposed to be happy. I was supposed to be happy. It was on my birthday. My partner and I had just gotten kind of in a little bit of a tiff. I was supposed to be happy on my birthday. I was supposed to be celebrated. And we got, you know, we got in this. I just I never felt seen. I never felt heard. And it was kind of this culminating moment of what, like, what do I do now? Like, literally, what do I do? I had no idea. I've done everything that I was supposed to do. And it kind of led down this path, Laura, of of like suicidal ide ideations, you know, that type of thing, which was really, really hard, which is why it's very pivotal. It was a very pivotal moment, you know, in my life, um, where I had never really thought about things like that before. And now I just kind of wanted to give up. And so at that point, you know, again, like I definitely remember that moment. That's a it's a moment that's etched into my nervous system and my body. Um, because since then I've never gone back, you know, like I there wasn't a way paved for me. Like I did not have a good example of a good childhood home. There was abuse and trauma and all the things in my life. And just because I didn't want to be at that place anymore, I just found a different way. I found a new way. I found healing, I found um personal development work, I found books, I found podcasts, and then I found mentors, and then I found therapists and coaches and just layer after layer after layer of of these these things inside of myself that were kind of keeping me in this in this loop. Um, you know, started to do the healing and transmutation and alchemization into the women that I thought I think God, you know, made me to be. God, universe, spirit made me to be.

SPEAKER_00 7:43

I like that. I I can really resonate because I grew up also in a very dysfunctional home. I always say that our family put the this in dysfunctional because that's what some days I believe, right? Yeah, of course. Yeah. I grew up um with I was raised by a brother, uh, two brothers and a father, and I was running a household for three men at the age of 10. So um, yeah, and no role model, no nothing really. And you know, as much it wasn't it was never said that um girls don't have that opportunity, that feeling that girls this is what girls do, this is what girls do, this is what you know. Um and I think it's like you're saying, it's an epidemic and we need to start shifting it for everybody, as you say, not just women, if you know, for our male listeners out there too, if you're in a moment there at home or you're working and you're listening to this. I like what uh Lily said earlier, enoughness. I like that word, you know, it's a it's a kind of funny sounding word, but it's a word that when is enough enough? We chase enoughness all the time. We're chasing, we're chasing an external validation. And when is enough? Have we got that house? Now we need a house down at the beach. That's two houses. It seems to be um chasing materialistic things. Um and like you're saying, our true core happiness is inside. And as you know, um as a person that works with people, as you're saying, you're getting to midlife, and as I know, working with uh predominantly women um mentoring. There's a lot to unpack of what we've been told, right? Generations of and where did it come from? Where did this you you go to school, you get you grow up, you get married, or you get a job, you get married, you have children. It's just was it it's society really, isn't it?

SPEAKER_01 9:43

It's a lot. I mean it it there are a lot of different competing kind of stories. There it's society. I think for you know, for women, the women I work with, it's also, you know, in the home environment. Um it wasn't safe when I was younger to have a voice or say no, right? So of course I'm gonna comply. As a young child, that's a coping mechanism for having a roof over my head, food to eat, the little bit of love that that little that poor little girl needed to receive. Um, so what did I do when I was younger? I shut my voice down because my voice was was unsafe, right? And so it's it's a lot of things. I mean, it's it it's it is society, but it's also I think a deeper level, you know, question of, you know, what did it what did it mean? Why couldn't I choose my own path? I was actually talking to another client um this weekend and I held a class, and you know, she's like, well, I'm I'm kind of okay with the things that have happened to me in my journey because it got me to this place. And I said, I hear you and I feel the same way, but imagine a life where all of your gifts were cultivated from when you were younger and you didn't have to shut them down, and you could you were able to speak up for what you wanted and what you believed and what you felt was true, what you were able to speak up for feeling unsafe. Imagine that you could have gotten to this place way sooner if you had a nurturing environment where it was nurturing for you know for everything that that you wanted to do. And really that is the healing work. I mean, if you can't tell, Laura, like I'm a dating coach for finding love, but it's really an inside game. It really is an inside game, and that is that's where that's where I live, right? Is I help women and helping women unravel all that is you're right. It's like layer on layer on layer on layer on layer, but at the really root of it are our core wounds, right? That's what we're talking about. We're talking about core wounds of um, it's not safe to speak up, or if I speak up, this happens. Um, it's not safe to to just be who I am because just who I am is not enough. And that's when I go out and I start. If it's me, my story, I go out and I start getting straight A's. That's when I got love. I go out and I and I um, you know, I'm a freshman soccer player on the varsity team. That's only the only one that that was able to do that. Like that is how much that I needed love when I was younger. And so I just went out and did it. And that groove got so deep inside of me that when I'm I reach adulthood, and again, like it is the path, like that is there for sure, but it also was completely backed up, you know, in in my childhood as well, because it meant something to the the little bitty wounded part of me.

SPEAKER_00 12:38

And the home environment home environment perpetuates it, right?

SPEAKER_01 12:42

Yeah, yeah, for sure.

SPEAKER_00 12:44

I was just saying, I'm saying, like if I speak out about what's happening here, or if I say no to the what's happening to me, um what's the repercussion going to be today?

SPEAKER_01 12:54

Yeah. Likely a a withdrawal of love, likely a withdrawal of connection. Again, this is all kind of subconscious and unconscious, like you know, overt and covert traumas and abuses, but likely it there's either a real or perceived perception of um there will be a withdrawal of love, there will be a withdrawal of me of like standard needs, right? Like safety and emotional safety and food and water and you know, all those things. So little bitty us, you know, that was in that environment, they just they're just trying to survive. And so again, that'll carry over. It worked for a time, and it'll carry over into our adulthood until we until we do the healing work that's necessary.

SPEAKER_00 13:41

So you reference um Lily God, universe, uh spirit. When did you know? When did you know that you were being guided? Oh I'm curious to know.

SPEAKER_01 13:56

Such a beautiful question. Um When did I know that I was being guided by God? Um so what's interesting, I think, about my spiritual journey is I was so hyper-independent for so long because I had to be for survival. Like those women out there that I know you're listening and you're doing the dishes, like Laura likes to say, you women are strong. I know that you are strong, I know that you can do everything. And I also know that hyperindependence is a trauma response. Hyperindependence means that you don't trust other people. You may need you may not even trust God or the universe or spirit, or you may say that you do, but in your bones and in your soul, you know it's you against the world, or you think it's you, or parts of you think it's you against the world. So that being said, for the longest time in my spiritual journey, you know, somebody would ask me what I believe in, and you know what I would tell them? I would tell them, I believe in myself. And that was it. That was it. Yeah, that was it. That was the only, the only person big or small that I could trust was me. But what's interesting about this is in my healing journey, when I was doing my inner healing work, I started to create space inside of myself, right? Like I didn't feel like I had such a like a white knuckle grip on life anymore. I had space where I wasn't acting from anxiety, or I wasn't acting from depression, or I wasn't acting for my wounded parts anymore. I was actually feeling less fractured and more aligned. And when I started to create space inside of myself, God filled that space. Oh and so the the connection that I began to have with inside of myself, with myself, my parts, my nervous system, my body, my thoughts, my emotions, my beliefs, and my behaviors, the more that I connected with them, the more God can could connect with them. And so now today the ability and the opportunity to have that and also help women have that as well, is where like I'm I'm definite, you know, I'm in alignment, you know, with God's gift for me, the way that I the way that I see it. And it took a lot of development, right? Like it took a lot of development. Um, and I think that we're always we're all born in this, we're all born with our gifts, but it's just the stuff that happens to us in our lives and the environment that we grow up in and society maybe or culture or things like that that kind of start to drift us away from our gifts. So like coming back home to me actually helped me come back home to God who had been with me all along. I just didn't know it. Absolutely.

SPEAKER_00 17:02

And it as you're saying, it creates that space to listen, to listen to your yeah, to listen.

SPEAKER_01 17:10

Yeah, my inner voice, but also God's voice too.

SPEAKER_00 17:14

For us to hear, they, them, angels, whatever, yeah, whatever your your you you may believe, as everyone's it's it's different for everybody, and that's okay. That's okay. So um Lily, you talked a bit earlier about I wanted to touch on it briefly because mental health is so it's another epidemic, right? It's another epidemic. What so the work that you did, you were saying that you found self-development coaching, mentoring. What drew you out of that mental state of suicide ideation? Did you actually get help? Was it the healing of self? Was it a combination of everything? What what what got you to where you are today?

SPEAKER_01 18:05

Um, if I knew that one answer to that question, I would put it in a pill and I would be a freaking trillionaire.

SPEAKER_00 18:12

Wouldn't we all? Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 18:13

Yeah. Yeah. Um I think the one thing that kept me going and still keeps me going, you know, like, you know, you're a business owner too, right? And and doing this work, I think, you know, as far as like the coaching part is easy, but the business parts, or for me, the coaching part's really easy, but the business parts are hard, right? Like finding new clients and all these things. And, you know, you're supposed to be doing this whole marketing thing a certain way, and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. There's so many different voices. I don't know if you feel this way, but the thing that keeps me going, like when I want to stop, or I'm not getting the results that I think I'm I should get, or my expectations aren't met, or which those are pretty much, you know, I've done a lot of healing work, girl, with my business and money and all that stuff. We could talk about that too. But the one thing that has kept me going is a well, a couple things. One is I started this work because in my family of origin, you tell me if this is the same with you. In my family of origin, we didn't talk about anything. It was secrecy, locked doors, no, there was no emotional connection, no communication, nothing, right? And so this whole personal development thing and podcasting and all this stuff, still to this day, actually, it's it it takes it gets my family a little bit on edge because it's too much, too much for them, right? So talk about what are you talking about? Yeah, right. Are you talking about me? Basically, is what they're asking, but that's their problem. But anyways, the you know, where I started this because when I started to learn about these things, like I started to learn about codependency, for example, is one of the first things I started to learn. And I'm like, what my mind just got blown because this was describing me to a T. And how did I not know this? Right. Like, and so I just started talking about it. And I started talking about it for the purpose was for my nieces and nephews, right? That was the purpose. It wasn't for me, it was for them. So I started down that road. And then in my healing journey, when the times that I was scared or the times that I like parts of me were afraid to look at kind of deeper level things that may have happened to me. Um, I started to go forward because I wasn't going to go backwards. That was just it. Like I could not go back to any of the self-defeating patterns, any of the self-sabotaging patterns, any of the things like when I knew, I knew. And so it was just a forward, you know, like I can't stop. I have to, I have to keep going. I have to do this, which is a lot of the women that come to me have kind of reached that point of like, okay, I'm tired of being sick and tired. Like you said, like, fuck it. I just want to get, I want to get this done. I want to get this like done. Um, and then the more purposeful thing for me now, like today, like the more purposeful, like forward momentum is like, I don't know, it's like this resolution inside of myself that I have to do this. Like it is a very purposeful, I can't even remember what you asked me, Laura. I kind of just went down this rabbit hole. But the the I mean, it's just more purposeful for me, right? Like I show up, and if people, if I have an event, for example, and people don't show up to my event, I'm like, okay, well, it is kind of onto the next one, but I'm not stopping. Like, this is just a larger vision, a larger purposeful um endeavor, I guess, for me.

SPEAKER_00 21:43

Yeah. Um so you you did answer it. It was where you were, suicidal ideation to where you are now. And I think it's an evolution. Evolution of finding, nurturing, learning. Um, oops, wrong way. That road doesn't work, that's a giveaway sign. Oh, stop, that didn't work. And as you say, um, I like that you uh for the women, you know, and the men and the men listening. Uh Lily touched on it. The some parts of business are easier than others. You know, sitting here having, you know, some people say you're sitting there having a chat. Well, no, it's not quite that easy. We sit here and have a chat. But there's a lot that goes behind the scenes. And I, you know, I have a team that I'm very thankful for. Um, but there's a lot of worries that go with it. And I think for our business uh women listeners out there, we hear you, we know you, and you know, we we empathize with you because there's a lot of worries. There's a lot of worries that go with it. And different parts of our business challenge us. Some things we're really strong at. And I it took me a while to learn that I can't do everything. I had to get some help on the things that I can't do. So um the other thing I want to unpack, Lily, is dating coach, dating coach and archetypes and things like that. That's pretty exciting. Yeah. So do you work with women and men um and in their mid-years and unpacking historical trauma from dating or look? Tell us about it. I'm really excited to know what you do.

SPEAKER_01 23:20

Yeah, yeah. So I do um I work with mostly women. Um, if I do have requests for men, you know, we'll talk about it. I don't have any, I have uh one program for men called On Purpose, but mostly I do work with women. Um, my women, you know, range from mid-30s. I think my my oldest client right now is 67. Um, really what they are wanting to do, and yes, dating coach for finding love. Um, but if you haven't really got the idea by now, um, I am very different than most dating coaches out there. Most dating coaches out there, or even if you go to your friends or your family, they're very outward focused. Like, like, oh, go fix this on your dating profile, or don't put this picture up on your dating profile, or don't say this on your dating profile. It's very outward focused about um kind of like kind of acquiescing to the other person and the dating environment. Um, for me, obviously, I take an inside out approach. So anything, my standard kind of definition is that anything that you're attracting on the outside of yourself is a direct reflection on what's happening on the inside of you. So if you're out there and you're single and you're dating and you're attracting, let's say, um, men that ghost you all the time, the work inside of you is actually going to be, well, where are you ghosting yourself? Where are you self-abandoning yourself? So that, yeah, yeah. I know. I know it is a big one, but that's, I mean, that's again, that's where that's where we live. We live in the depths in my of my community because what the women that I see really, really want to do is they want to heal at the root cause for good because they've tried other things, they've seen a second divorce, a third divorce, and they don't want to repeat the same patterns of the past. But what they're seeing in their dating life is the same patterns outside of themselves and inside of themselves. And again, they're finally ready to get to the root of what is actually happening, and that's what we do.

SPEAKER_00 25:24

Wow. So again, a um a more like you're saying, that a lot of people say, Go fix this on your profile or send a different picture that sometimes doesn't even look like the person. Um, looking outwardly, but as you were saying, what are you doing to yourself inside? So ghosting you might be ghosting yourself in a certain area of life or um and tell us uh what happens. Like have have you seen lots of success for your clients that have um not the you know, I'm not interested in the numbers, of course, but I'm interested in people's happiness when they do find someone. Tell us a bit about that. What happens a little bit of the journey, the journey for people.

SPEAKER_01 26:09

Well, I mean, the journey is, you know, different for different women, right? Like, like with healing, what I have learned in myself and then with other women too is it takes as long as it takes. Um, you know, of course, I have women, you know, I have one client that's getting married this year. I have another client that's in um the best relationships that she's ever been in after two divorces. Um and of course, like, yes, we do have those results, but it's also the inner results that make a big difference, which is, you know, you talked about the archetypes. Like, what is it? Well, the other question I hear, Laura, is okay, what does the journey look like for someone kind of going through and working with Lily? The journey is the feminine dating archetypes. So a little bit about the feminine dating archetypes is it's a model that was actually given to me by God after kind of like channeling, people say channeled, after my journey, um, after looking back on my journey, after looking at my clients' journey and watching them kind of go through these gates, go through these phases and stages of their development inside of themselves, and then becoming this beautiful version of themselves, the magnetic woman is the is the woman that I aspire to be and my clients aspire to be. But it's really, it's it's you know, people say be authentic, um, but it's really it is authentic. It's not the fake authentic, it's not the mask authentic, it's not the, you know, the the doormat kind of authentic. It is really who they are at their core, is the becoming and the unraveling, the unlayering of that woman. And the feminine dating archetypes is that journey. So, like I'll give you like a high-level overview, which is for all of my life, basically, I was the chill woman. The chill woman did not have any needs, didn't know what my needs and wants and desires were, super familiar with overwhelming anxiety in the dating process, would get ghosted a lot because I was ghosting myself. And so, what's beautiful about the archetypes, like if someone wants to go take the quiz, I'd love for you to take the quiz. Even if you're in a relationship, I'm super curious. Um, you can go take it at datingarchetype.com. But what's great about yeah, what is great about this, the archetypes, is that not only would it'll tell you the archetype that you are right now at this very moment, it'll also give you opportunity and give you some targeted healing signposts and uh and opportunities for where we see at the core, at the root, where your opportunity is to heal to get you to the next level, to the next level. So, like the chill woman, her work is about boundaries, her work is about seeing and hearing her and understanding her needs and her wants and desires. When she does that, she will move to the goddess woman phase, the goddess woman. And the goddess woman is um, she's really into personal growth work, but she's also confused in the dating process because she's written out, she thinks she knows what she wants, and she's written out this letter uh to her dream partner, the characteristics that she wants in the dream partner, but there's a mismatch between what's happening on the outside of her, what's coming to her, and what she thinks that she desires and deserves. So the the god, yeah, it's it's this whole thing, but basically that's the journey. It's the chill woman, the fortress woman comes into play a little bit. The fortress woman is like that hyper-independence. I don't need anybody, I can't trust anybody else mode, which I was definitely in for a few years. Then it's the goddess woman, which is like more developed, more emotionally mature, yet still not there in the dating journey, still a lot of confusion, a lot of frustration. And then the magnetic woman, which is the magnetic woman, again, is the woman that um knows who she is, what she wants. She's more she's aligned on the inside of herself. And she knows that she's aligned when her behaviors, her actions, her beliefs, and her thoughts um and her emotions all are pretty much all on the same page. There's not like all this other crazy stuff happening inside of her.

SPEAKER_00 30:17

Wow. So what was it? It was datingarchetype.com. Yeah, datingarchetype.com. Got it. Wow. It's a lot. I know it's a lot. It's a lot amazing, though. It is amazing. As we wrap up today, Lily, do you have one last message for our viewers?

SPEAKER_01 30:38

Um, I think what's coming to me, Matt, now is just kind of keep going. You know, like a lot of women in midlife, yeah, they're done with things. Um and there are things that, you know, if you're seeing patterns that you don't like in your life, there's again direct reflection of what's happening on the inside of you. So patterns, I think, are like big parts of us inside of ourselves yelling at us, being like, do the healing work, Lily, do the healing work, Laura, you know. And so I think what's coming to me is just keep going, you know, keep doing the healing, keep keep um having courage and bravery into looking at things that you parts of you maybe are are avoiding, like you said, avoidance, you know, when we first got on the call. Um, and then just the invitation for any single, you know, women that are out there right now, or even women in relationships that want to see have a little more insight into patterns inside of themselves or their relationship, just to go take the quiz at datingarchetype.com. Keep going. Keep going.

SPEAKER_00 31:38

Yeah, keep going. All right. Thank you, Lily. Thank you so much. Uh, can't wait. I'm going to do it and let's see what comes out.

SPEAKER_01 31:46

Yeah, I'm super curious.

SPEAKER_00 31:48

And we'll keep in touch, keep in touch with Lily, everybody, and we'll go from there. Uh, who knows? We might have Lily back on soon. Okay, all right. So that's another episode of Midlife Unplugged the Fucker Ears. I'm your host, Lara Portelli, and I'll be back on very soon with someone else with some exciting insights into midlife. Bye for now. That's a wrap on this episode of Midlife Unplugged the fucker ears. If today's conversation is something up in here, please subscribe, share it with your midlife crew, and get the conversation going. I'm Laura Fortell. See you next week for another World Real and Apologetic Chat.